Conflictions

I don't know how to say how I am feeling right now. Is it possible to be inspired and depressed at the same time? I want to laugh and cry, sleep and play, smile and scowl all at once. I am conflicted to say the least.I know that my trials are small compared to many, but at times I feel overwhelmed, like at any moment I might crack and lose the ounce of control I am holding on to. I really do want to keep my ounce.

I can pinpoint at least part of the reason I am so emotional. I am feeling sleep deprived from taking care of an 8 month old who has NEVER slept through the night. Not only has he not slept through the night, it is not uncommon for him to be up 3-4 times a night. Probably 13 out of 14 nights he is up at least twice.

Kaitlynn and Aubrey are typical 4 and 2 year olds...fighting, getting hurt, yelling, crying, making messes. At least they do them all together and keep each other entertained. Aubrey is almost 2 and a half and has NO interest in keeping a diaper on, but also NO interest in using the toilet.

What I must say is that I am grateful to be a mom. At times that is the exact thing that is making me crazy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I LOVE MY KIDS. It is so great to see them growing and becoming little grown-ups. It is interesting to see them making connections in the world on their own, without having to explaine every little detail. It makes me feel so happy to feel thier love when my girls ask for "one more kiss" before bed or when Logan cries out when I leave a room because he misses me. I just know my life wouldn't be whole without all of them. I am so blessed.

Also, I am SO in love with my husband. I never thought I would be blessed enough to have a loving, devoted husband. I love that he supports us without complaint...not only does he not complain about having to go to work, he takes pride in providing our family with the things we need. He looks forward to coming home to be with us at the end of the day and he loves spending time with us. I love that he loves me...that is something I hope I will never take for granted.

I know that this post is so drastically different from our others. Thanks for being patient with me while I try to work through some of the emotions that are bubbling to the surface. I have decided to try harder to be a great wife, a loving mother, a trustworthy friend, a true disciple of Christ, an organized RS Secretary, a diligent preparedness group coordinator, a friendlier neighbor, a busier person in general. Most of all, the wife, mother and disciple roles are the ones I WILL IMPROVE. The time has come for me to stop being a fence sitter and be more of an active member of my family and our Heavenly Father's family. I love you all.