Friday, March 27, 2009


I don't know how to say how I am feeling right now. Is it possible to be inspired and depressed at the same time? I want to laugh and cry, sleep and play, smile and scowl all at once. I am conflicted to say the least.I know that my trials are small compared to many, but at times I feel overwhelmed, like at any moment I might crack and lose the ounce of control I am holding on to. I really do want to keep my ounce.

I can pinpoint at least part of the reason I am so emotional. I am feeling sleep deprived from taking care of an 8 month old who has NEVER slept through the night. Not only has he not slept through the night, it is not uncommon for him to be up 3-4 times a night. Probably 13 out of 14 nights he is up at least twice.

Kaitlynn and Aubrey are typical 4 and 2 year olds...fighting, getting hurt, yelling, crying, making messes. At least they do them all together and keep each other entertained. Aubrey is almost 2 and a half and has NO interest in keeping a diaper on, but also NO interest in using the toilet.

What I must say is that I am grateful to be a mom. At times that is the exact thing that is making me crazy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I LOVE MY KIDS. It is so great to see them growing and becoming little grown-ups. It is interesting to see them making connections in the world on their own, without having to explaine every little detail. It makes me feel so happy to feel thier love when my girls ask for "one more kiss" before bed or when Logan cries out when I leave a room because he misses me. I just know my life wouldn't be whole without all of them. I am so blessed.

Also, I am SO in love with my husband. I never thought I would be blessed enough to have a loving, devoted husband. I love that he supports us without complaint...not only does he not complain about having to go to work, he takes pride in providing our family with the things we need. He looks forward to coming home to be with us at the end of the day and he loves spending time with us. I love that he loves me...that is something I hope I will never take for granted.

I know that this post is so drastically different from our others. Thanks for being patient with me while I try to work through some of the emotions that are bubbling to the surface. I have decided to try harder to be a great wife, a loving mother, a trustworthy friend, a true disciple of Christ, an organized RS Secretary, a diligent preparedness group coordinator, a friendlier neighbor, a busier person in general. Most of all, the wife, mother and disciple roles are the ones I WILL IMPROVE. The time has come for me to stop being a fence sitter and be more of an active member of my family and our Heavenly Father's family. I love you all.


Heidi and Michael said...

I'm sorry its been rough lately. Its good to vent every now and then and just get feelings out! It makes ya feel better huh! Your kids are absolutely adorable. And yes, your husband is awesome. He's a great guy! One thing I really noticed about him when you guys lived here in Ogden, is how much he loves his family. You mentioned this in your post and its so true. Hang in there. Love you guys!

Paula said...

Thanks so much again for letting Ryan come and play today! All he's talked about since we got home is how much fun he had with Kaitlynn and Aubrey! :-)

Leslie said...

I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone when I'm feeling overwhelmed in life. But I must tell you, I gather strength from you, Bek. I know I deal with little trials, but come on... nothing like yours! I'm dealing with one child and going crazy, & my life and callings are no where near the demands you face daily! I am inspired by the kind of marriage you have, I hope someday we're at that level with ours! It's ok to have down days every once in a while... and you of all people deserve it! You are always in my prayers, because your one of my best friends and I'll always love you for that! Just wishing I could do more! Thank you for all you do for me, with or without your knowing it!!

What a Life said...


It is amazing to see what an awesome woman you have become. You are not alone in this crazy life. We all have our ups and downs. As Dori Says "Just keep swimming". I have to remind myself of this often. It is nice to see that we are all human.

Love ya

Amber said...

Hey poopie pants!
I feel like such a jerk! Thanks for coming over today, I'm sorry I didn't pick up on your struggles. Sometimes...okay most of the time, I am so wrapped up in my own stupid pitty party, that I neglect to be there emotionally for my friends. You are such a strong woman! I often times wonder how you do it. Just know that hanging on by a thread is what most HONEST mommies are doing! Don't ever feel weak or not worthy of the calling of motherhood. Those little people in your care are SOOO lucky to have you. I admire so many things about you. Hang in there, and Thanks again for helping me when I needed you!! XOXO Mammer

SarahSue said...

okay Rebekah, Have you looked through the past 6 months on your life...follow it back on your blog...just look at the pictures! You have every right to be worn out, exhausted and emotional! Just that you are not in the loony bin says a lot about you! You know I love you and am amazed by you! I was right there with you after Emma. Notice the 5 year gap before I had Ava! lol! You need to get a picture of them while they are sleeping and look at it when you want to yell at them. Enjoyed the chat today! Talk to you soon!